Love Bombing

“I think you might be my soulmate!”

“Come over – I bought you a bunch of gifts!”

“I just want to be with you all day, every day!”

At the beginning of a relationship, you get to know your partner and their style of affection. You learn the way they communicate their romantic feelings – whether that be through spending quality time together, sending you pictures of little things that remind them of you, or just simply telling you straight-up how they feel, it can be exciting to receive the first shows of affection from your new partner. The quotes above might seem romantic, and in some cases, they are. However, affection in large and extreme doses towards the beginning of a relationship can be a warning sign of a potentially toxic partner.

This constant flattering contact, often via texts and social media is a subtle abuse tactic referred to as “love bombing.”  A partner who uses early and intense displays of love to flatter you may withdraw these affections in the future and use them as a form of control. Love bombers may break your boundaries and create unhealthy attachments in the relationship.

College students are especially susceptible to love bombing, as they communicate largely via phone and often live in proximity to their partners. This makes it easier for partners to gain and maintain control.

Here are 4 common tactics love bombers use:

Quick Relationship Progression: Love bombers may move extremely fast, perhaps seeking premature commitment, asking to meet family or friends soon after the start of the relationship, saying “I love you” after only a few weeks, or even pressuring you to move in with them before you’re ready. They may also call you “the one” or their “soulmate” without knowing you for very long. These things can seem like positive signs, but they may also be forms of flattery and control. You may feel uncomfortable with how quickly things are moving and pressured to say the same things back.

Too Much Contact: Love bombers may want to be in constant contact with you, especially in the early phase of the relationship. They may want to hang out every day for long periods of time, and if you aren’t together, they expect frequent calls/texts throughout the day. This is a control tactic – the love bomber wants to monopolize your time and make sure that it is only devoted to them. The right partner will give you space and independence.

Gifts: Gifts are a common way to show love in healthy relationships, but too many over-the-top presents can be a bad sign. Many love bombers buy their partners lots of expensive gifts to win them over but then use the gifts as leverage in the future. For example, a love bomber might say “you owe me ___ because I bought you that nice bag last month”, or “how can you say I’m a bad partner if I give you so many gifts?”.

Excessive Compliments: Love bombers often shower their new partners with compliments. Of course, compliments are a sweet way of giving affection, but love bombers take it further. The compliments may feel constant – so constant that it seems like your partner doesn’t talk about anything else. Love bombers use compliments to get close to their partners and gain control through flattery.

As always, trust your gut. Relationship progression, contact, gifts, and compliments are all excellent things – in moderation. If you feel like your partner is “love bombing” you, talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to gain perspective.